Ok, it's been a very long time since I have posted on my blog. Life's been happening! so, in 2009 my heart function improved to 35% and the size of my heart decreased dramatically. This was something we had been praying for years about and it's something doctors say never happens after the number of years I had been living with this disease. Yesterday I had a very emotional day. A day of highs and a day of lows...riding the roller coaster once again and I hate roller coasters! Yesterday afternoon when I took my Dad home after he dropped off my daughter Jocelyn from school, he started talking to me and just telling me that he was proud of me. He listed reasons that I won't go into because they are between me and God (and my family). It's such an awesome feeling to have your earthly father tell you he's proud of you but for him to say that he believes God would be pleased with me, well that's what I live for. I hope God is pleased with me....I hope I do him proud. That's my life's goal is to do the will of my heavenly father and to one day hear him say, "well done, my good and faithful servant." That's why I live. So, I was on cloud nine to have my father tell me how proud he is of me and then I came home to find a message that my doctors office had just called to give me the results of my latest echo. So, I called them back and the nurse read my results. These results were not what I was expecting at all and I will not lie here, I felt like I had been kicked in the gut and the wind completely knocked out of me. The nurse told me this latest echo shows my heart function to only be 23%. This is a 12% reduction in function after I had been given such great news just a little over a 1 1/2 years earlier. Yes, I was extremely disappointed in those results and yes, I shed some tears and I'm sure I'm not done with tears. I went about finishing up working for the day and made dinner for my family. I went about the business I needed to get done and tried my best not to focus on myself. Here's an amazing part of this story....Saturday, I had taken my Mom to a bookstore that is closing it's doors because she had a gift card and she wanted to make sure she used it before the store did close. I had picked up a couple books, "Made to Crave" and "The Hiding Place" but God kept saying to me, you need to find a devotional book to use on a daily basis to go along with my Bible reading. So, the selection was very poor or at least that is what I thought! There was one devotional book there so I picked it up, flipped thru it and thought, ok I'll get this one. So after Mom had made her selections, we proceeded to go to the back of the line and wait for over 45 minutes in line to pay for our selections. Many times while in that line, I thought about setting the devotional book back on a shelf somewhere because frankly I thought it was a bit pricey and they were only offering a 20% discount at this point. God kept telling me if I was going to put a book down, it needed to be one of my other choices and not the devotional. I didn't want to put one of the other books down...selfish, I know. I felt like God was telling me to buy this devotional book so I listened to that voice and did. So, yesterday when I got this news I was heartbroken and really struggling to try and wrap my head around how this could be with everything I am able to do. After dinner, I sat down with my Bible and read my devotional for that day. This is what it said: Anti-Worship. Think about what anxiety says about God. When we harbor anxious thoughts, we are saying that the one who has promised to take care of our future might not do a good job of it. It says the one who promised to walk us thru the waters and not to allow the fire to burn us might abandon us to the waters and the fire. And it says that his presence in the valley of the shadow of death might not be enough to calm us. We don't realize it but our emotions often tell the provider that we don't think we'll have enough provision, tell our Savior that we're afraid of not being saved, tell our Comforter that we're uncomfortable, and tell our Deliverer that we're sure we'll remain captive. Our hearts actually slander him when we don't trust his protection, his strength, and his love. We don't mean to; we're just anxious. Our anxiety can be awfully offensive.

In Deed: Imagine a son lying awake at night wondering if his parents are going to feed him tomorrow. Imagine a daughter wondering if she will have something to clother herself in. That might happen in some homes, but what does that say of the parents? Nothing Complimentary. But we who worship God cannot praise him with such insecurities. Our fears are a form of anti-worship-a clear declaration that our God might not have promised us enough, or might not be able to follow through on what he has promised. Yes, he will let us go through hard things, but never outside of his timing or beyond his protection. So worship him and don't worry about it.

Now, I don't think that is merely a coincidence that this devotional was in that book with the same date on it as the date I got my test results, do you? That is why I was supposed to buy that devotional. That is why I found myself in a book store with my Mom last Saturday. I'll even go as far to say that is why my Mom got this gift card from a friend. Devine appointment and it leaves me in awe. So last night, I didn't worry....I worshipped. I've worshipped today while working out and I'm going to keep on worshipping. God will use HIS strength to accomplish what he wants to accomplish thru me. Maybe I need to be at 23% so I can really know that what I do is only because of his strength and the Holy Spirit working thru me. It's not me doing anything.....So, while at the Y this morning, I worshipped and it was beautiful. I'll spend my day worshipping. Yes, I'll probably cry some more but I won't waller in self pity. I've got work to do for my King. I live so others will know his name. That is my purpose. I live so others can enjoy eternal life. I was getting ready to turn my mp3 player off this morning and God said, sit down and listen to the word of this song before you leave so I did. I'm really learning to listen to him. Here are the words:

Lincoln Brewster

For Your endless love (For Your endless love)
For the life You gave (For the life You gave)
For the second chance (For the second chance)
For Your priceless grace (For Your priceless grace)
For Your healing hands (For Your healing hands)
For the gift of peace (For the gift of peace)
For the blessed hope (For the blessed hope)
For the faith to believe (For the faith to believe)

For these reasons I praise You
For these reasons I worship You
(1st ending)
For these reasons I live to tell
of Your love to all the world
(2nd ending)
For these reasons I live to tell
of Your love to all the world


For these reasons, Lord Jesus, I praise you. For your endless love. For the life you gave. For the second chance. For your priceless grace. For your healing hands. For the gift of peace. For the blessed hope. For the faith to believe.

You are my love and my life. I want the world to know of your love. I want to change this dying world. Work thru me. Use me as you see fit. I am ready and I am willing. You are so worth it......I love you more than life itself and I will go where you want me to go and I will do what you want me to do. I will give my all for you because you have given me hope and peace and life that never ends. Help me share this with the world. This is the most important decison people will ever make and I want to help those without hope find you. This is where yesterday brought me and I praise you for that. Use what you have to use to get my attention.


So, todays devotional think about his majesty. Let yourself be in awe of him today. Think about the imagination and power that went into a sunset, a mountain range, our human physiology, the wisdom of scripture, or the plan of the Kingdom of God. Stand amazed in his presence. worship begins with an understanding of our inability to understand. It silences our complaints and captures our hearts. It believes God is astoundingly precious. Worship where you are today. Stand in awe of your creator and know that we were made to worship him.