About Me
- Kimberly Binkley
- At age 39, I was diagnosed with congestive heart failure and cardiomyopathy. I was given days to live with a heart function of 5% at that time. I was also told I needed a heart transplant to survive. I am now a 13 year survivor and have not had a heart transplant. I am married to my best friend, Steve and have one daughter, age 19. I'm sharing my journey to help others and because it "Matters to my Heart."
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Nothing is impossible with God, absolutely NOTHING!
When doctors say there is nothing else we can do and nothing is going to work for you, God can! This might not seem like much to those reading this but today during my workout, I ran 4 minutes 40 seconds. Doctors said I would never be able to run. Doctors said I wouldn't live without a transplant! Then they said I had 4 1/2 -5 years to live, that was almost 10 years ago. Then they said nothing is ever going to take down the enlargment of your heart and increase your function. Today, I have 48% heart function and my heart is now normal size. God can do anything! NOTHING is imossible. 48% is just 2% under normal! Don't dream small...ask him. He is able to do more than you could even imagine. I'm going to run every day during my workout and slowly build up my endurance. I have a goal...because I know NOTHING is impossible with God and I can do all things thru Christ who gives me strength! To God be the glory for what he has done for me. I'm humbled that he heard my cry and blessed me in this way because I'm nothing special. I'm just a sinner saved by grace. He enlarged my heart for him.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Blessings
I love this song and the words mean so much to me. Maybe it will touch your heart too. I can truly say my battle with heart disease has been an absolute blessing. Heart disease saved my life and saved me from myself.
Blessings. Laura Story
we pray for blessings,
We pray for peace.
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep.
We pray for healing, for prosperity.
We pray your mighty hand to ease our suffering.
all the while, you hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things.
Cause what if your blessing come through raindrops
What if your healing comes through tears.
What if a thousand sleepless nights
are what it takes to know you're near.
What if the trials of this life are your mercies in disguise.
We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
and we cry in anger when we cannot feel you near.
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from your word is not enough.
All the while, you hear each desperate plea
and long that we'd have faith to believe.
Cause what if you blessings come through raindrops.
What if you healing comes through tears.
What if a thousand sleepless nights
are what it takes to know you're near.
And what if trials of this life are your mercies in disguise.
When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win.
We know the pain reminds this heart
that this world is not our home.
Cause what if you blessings come through raindrops.
What if your healing comes through tears.
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
are what it takes to know you're near.
What if my greatest disappointments
or the aching of this life
is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
and what if the trials of this life,
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
are your mercies in disguise.
Blessings. Laura Story
we pray for blessings,
We pray for peace.
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep.
We pray for healing, for prosperity.
We pray your mighty hand to ease our suffering.
all the while, you hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things.
Cause what if your blessing come through raindrops
What if your healing comes through tears.
What if a thousand sleepless nights
are what it takes to know you're near.
What if the trials of this life are your mercies in disguise.
We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
and we cry in anger when we cannot feel you near.
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from your word is not enough.
All the while, you hear each desperate plea
and long that we'd have faith to believe.
Cause what if you blessings come through raindrops.
What if you healing comes through tears.
What if a thousand sleepless nights
are what it takes to know you're near.
And what if trials of this life are your mercies in disguise.
When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win.
We know the pain reminds this heart
that this world is not our home.
Cause what if you blessings come through raindrops.
What if your healing comes through tears.
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
are what it takes to know you're near.
What if my greatest disappointments
or the aching of this life
is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
and what if the trials of this life,
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
are your mercies in disguise.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
My 10 year spiritual journey with God and with Heart Failure
ok, all I can say is this journey has been amazing. It's not been without it's tears or it's pain. I've struggled thru the years. I've had ups and I've had downs. I've been thru the valley and stood on the mountain top. I never asked "why me" but I can't say I've never been without fear. I have learned the fear came when I took my eyes off God and focused on my situation instead of the power my God has and the love he has for me. Being at the 10 year mark now I can look back and see how God's hands have been on me the entire time. He's set things in motion for me before I even knew I would need them. He was working the entire time providing for me the right people at all the right time. He's given me opportunities I would have never had if I had not been diagnosed with this disease. The most important thing thou is how he has changed my heart. Thru this experience I have learned to never doubt God and that impossible should not even be a word I use. Nothing is impossible with God, absolutely nothing. He can take a heart barely beating and after 10 years make it strong again. Sunday I shared my update with my church family and shared a little bit about other things God has been working on me over the past years. God truly had to break my will and break my heart before he could give me this healing. I truly believe that and I see that now. I wanted to share that here also. I believe God uses others to help change us. Maybe my story will help someone else, I don't know. Maybe you'll just find it silly. I hope that's not the case.
I've had lots of selfishness God's been working on me over the past couple of years. God brought this all to light in me by using several different people,... one big one being Francis Chan. Then last year our church got a new pastor. Pastor Drew came along and reinforced the same things I had been listening to Francis Chan say. I Listened to lots of Francis Chan's online messages last year and realized how much selfishness I really had in my own life. God has also used Pastor Drew to speak some of the same things to me....yes, I'm a hard head and usually have to hear things more than once before the light bulb goes off! I heard God ask me why I wanted to be healed and I had to take a good look at what that answer was and changes had to come. I really did at that time only want healed for myself and really had no desire to get outside my comfort zone and let God use me the way he really wanted to use me. Years before, God had really put conviction on my husband Steve and myself over entertainment choices. We truly heard God say to us, my spirit lives in you. My eyes are your eyes, my ears are your ears and my mouth is your mouth. Be careful what you fill them with and what comes out and we heard him say what is in the heart is what will show in your life so protect it. He was not talking about my physical heart but my spiritual heart. We all know that Hollywood glamorizes sin. I think that's one thing we can all agree on. God really broke our hearts over things that were in tv shows, movies, music, etc. When heard him clearly say to us, why do you watch the very things I "hate"....yes, we heard the word hate because God hates sin. I can remember the night we finally got serious about it. We were watching an episode of a popular show "CSI". Steve has always loved the crime scene shows but this particular night there was a scene in the show at a srip club. Basically, the scene was a half dressed girl dancing around a pole. God spoke to both of us that night and I remember telling Steve I wouldn't give him my blessing to head over to a strip club where he would see this same thing so I certainly was not going to put it on a silver platter and allow him to watch it in the comfort of our own living room. I would say this was probably about 8 or 9 years ago. We turned off the tv and started really discussing this and seeking God about this area of our life. We felt very strong conviction about this and heard God say be careful what you allow in the living room of your heart because this is where I live. You have been purchased with a price. You belong to me. Your body is no longer your own but you are to be a living sacrifice for me and for us, that also meant our entertainment had to change. We started looking at everything so differently and really seeking God on this and this is what we heard him say to us....If a tv program, movie or music glorifies a sin it's not for you. This was really tough for me because I loved my "lifetime" movies, my sitcoms, movies, etc but we knew we needed to listen to the spirit so we started cleaning our entertainment closet so to speak. For us, that meant if it was something we didn't allow in our home, we no longer view it in the form of entertainment so that also means language. We don't use foul language, we don't allow Jocelyn to use foul language so even if the show has just foul language, we heard God say it's not for us. We believe language is something God wants to change in a person he calls his own so we couldn't ignore that in our entertainment choices either. Basically we heard God say to us, "Is what you are watching beneficial to you in any way?" So, we made the choice to follow God on this issue. Our rules were no shows that glorify anything that breaks our Father's heart. We made big changes in this area but I was still holding onto 1 program I knew God wanted out of my life. To some, this may seem really silly but God was convicting me on this and I was refusing to listen to him. I kept saying, I have given everything thing else up...just let me keep this one thing. It was my soap opera, "The Young and the Restless." I watched or listened to it faithfully. Working from home made it so easy to just take my lunch break for that hour and sit in front of the tv and really get into the messes that Hollywood created in the lives of these fictional characters. Some of you would probably say just that...it's not real, they are just fictional characters playing a part but what does that show glorify? Really, there is no other way to answer but to say it glorifies sin. It's full of premarital sex, it's full of men and women cheating on their spouses, it's full of deceit, full of immorality, bascially full of filth not fit for a daughter of the King. This is the one thing I had not given up. You know, you think you're doing good....you get kind of proud of what you've given up and the difference it's made in your life, etc all the while ignoring that one thing you still need to throw out but aren't willing to do. Pride comes before a fall, I've learned that and that's a painful lesson to learn. Well, that was me until early 2009. This is when I finally obeyed and gave it up for good. What I have learned is that God replaced everything he asked us to give up with his goodness...things that are so much better. Instead of watching the junk, we spend more time in his word and I can't tell you the difference it makes when you fill your heart and mind with his word instead of what the world has to offer. This may sound silly to you, but I felt like a burden was gone after I finally obeyed what God was telling me to do. I truly don't think it's coincindence that for the first time my heart function increased to 35%, which is considered safe from the risk of sudden cardiac death and it came after obedience on an issue God was dealing with me on. After that, God started working on other areas in my life he wanted to see change. I've been selfish for many years. God has broken my heart for others and opened my eyes up to needs of others. I truly have felt a calling on my life in this area. I ask him daily to show me needs that he can meet thru me. I am learning to move when he says move. I know I shared this story before but my heart was broken one day when I cleaned out my own closet and had at least 10 bags of clothes that I no longer wear. Mostly because I lost weight but God said to me, "why do you have all this stuff when there are people wearing tattered clothes and those that can't afford a new pair of shoes, etc?" "Why is your pantry full but you're not sharing with anyone that is hungry?" "Why do you ignore the needs of others when I have so richly blessed you?" These truths hurt, they did but I realized I was a selfish, spoiled brat that truly thought the world revolved around her and that God just wanted to make me happy and give me a comfortable life. That statement couldn't be further fromt the truth and if that is what you believe about your own life, you're listening to the same lie I listened to. This isn't the abundant life God is talking about. It's not how much you can get out of this life. It's not about all your stuff. God asked me where my treasures were and I couldn't say at that time they were in heaven. I was getting far too comfortable with the world. I never did anything to help another person before God changed my heart. I never made sacrifices, true sacrifices. I've learned if you don't feel it, if you're not truly giving up something and feeling it, it's not a true sacrifice. It's easy to give when it doesn't cost you anything. God has given me a heart for others that I don't think I would have had if not for this 10 year journey I've been on with my heart. I actually feel like I'm living now because I am no longer a consumer...I'm a doer. God truly has broken my heart in many ways to bring about healing.....I don't think it would have ever come if I had kept saying no to things I knew he was telling me I needed to be doing. I hope that point is what I got across when I gave my testimony at church. Obedience is what God wants from his children. He really doesn't have to listen to children that are disobedient and unwilling to change and to do his will. Nothing that has happened in my life came because I'm anything special.....I can do nothing without him guiding me but for him to do that, I have to listen and obey and move when he says move. For years I wanted healing for me, just to live longer and be with my family never giving much thought to others and doing anything to help when I knew about needs that God had blessed me with the ability to meet. I liked my comfort, really I loved my comfort. I was selfish....plain and simple. I can still be at times. He's still working on me but I'm moving when he says move and I'm doing what he says to do. I still mess up and don't get it right. I'm not perfect but really the spiritual healing that has taken place is more amazing to me than the physical healing that has taken place. I'm not who I was just 5 or 6 years ago. Not even 2 years ago. Things break my heart now that I never gave a 2nd thought to before. So many things I just can't do anymore because I know they are not beneficial to me in anyway. I've been a Christian since I was 12 but I look back and see what little I really accomplished for Christ because of the selfishness I had in me. My life was about me...I thought I had grown so much during the initial stages of my diagnosis but I look back now and see how much further I needed to go and how much deeper I needed to go with God. I'm not who I was, that's for sure and I still have growing and changing to do but I can say this journey has been amazing and so worth it. all the pain and all the tears that came before the healing brought me closer to God and I wouldn't change that for the world. If I had stayed a healthy person and never had this disease, I would still be that selfish, spoiled rotten brat that thought the world revolved around her. I was a pretty ugly person and I see all that now. Heart disease saved my life and changed my heart in more than just a physical way.
I know this is very long but I would ask, can you honestly say you love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind? Are you filling any of those areas with the pollution of the world? I was...and for me that was sin. Are there things that need to change in your life that you're holding onto like I was? Do you really love your neighbors as yourself? I didn't, and that was sin. So, the real miracle here is the change that God made in my spiritual heart. I am completely different and that's a miracle. Jesus says, if you love me you will obey what I command. I picked a word for this year and it was obedience. I prayed about that and that's the word God gave me. funny, huh? Not really. God knows what he's doing and he absolutely knew what needed to change in my life. He knows all about you too. Ask him to help you in the areas he wants you to give completely to him.
This last part is taken from an aritlce I read about obedience to God. It doesn't give the name of the person who wrote it but it touched me so maybe it will touch you also. I didn't write this part though!
Jesus is very concerned about us and he wants us to do more than participate in good works. He wants us to believe in him. He wants to take us higher than the world and he wants us to be like him. When we are obedient to God, we are doing just that. Knowing him, loving him and having a personal, intimate relationship with him. To do this, we must be attentive to God's laws. This is not an option because you can't have an intimate relationship with Jesus and trample on the words he taught. Obedience to God is living God's word because you want to and enjoy being filled with the love of Jesus. Following the commandments step wise won't do. Reading the Bible diligently won't do. We have to take the words into our hearts. When we make the transition from calling ourselves a good Christian to being someone who is having a deep personal and intimate relationship with the Lord, then we can have the highest of joys, the deepest of peace, and receive the fullest measure of God's love and power each and every day of our lives.
ok...this is back to me now. It's funny when I think of this. God gave me healing and made my physical heart smaller but before that could happen he had to "enlarge" my spiritual heart for him. So, I guess I can still say I have an enlarged heart but it's so much better now! I'll leave you with this verse now. Psalm 119:32 I wil run in the way of your commandments when you enlarge my heart.
I am so humbled by what God has done for me and I love him now more than ever but not because he gave me healing in a physical sense. Because he changed me, really changed me and I'm so glad he did. It was a true matter of the heart.
I've had lots of selfishness God's been working on me over the past couple of years. God brought this all to light in me by using several different people,... one big one being Francis Chan. Then last year our church got a new pastor. Pastor Drew came along and reinforced the same things I had been listening to Francis Chan say. I Listened to lots of Francis Chan's online messages last year and realized how much selfishness I really had in my own life. God has also used Pastor Drew to speak some of the same things to me....yes, I'm a hard head and usually have to hear things more than once before the light bulb goes off! I heard God ask me why I wanted to be healed and I had to take a good look at what that answer was and changes had to come. I really did at that time only want healed for myself and really had no desire to get outside my comfort zone and let God use me the way he really wanted to use me. Years before, God had really put conviction on my husband Steve and myself over entertainment choices. We truly heard God say to us, my spirit lives in you. My eyes are your eyes, my ears are your ears and my mouth is your mouth. Be careful what you fill them with and what comes out and we heard him say what is in the heart is what will show in your life so protect it. He was not talking about my physical heart but my spiritual heart. We all know that Hollywood glamorizes sin. I think that's one thing we can all agree on. God really broke our hearts over things that were in tv shows, movies, music, etc. When heard him clearly say to us, why do you watch the very things I "hate"....yes, we heard the word hate because God hates sin. I can remember the night we finally got serious about it. We were watching an episode of a popular show "CSI". Steve has always loved the crime scene shows but this particular night there was a scene in the show at a srip club. Basically, the scene was a half dressed girl dancing around a pole. God spoke to both of us that night and I remember telling Steve I wouldn't give him my blessing to head over to a strip club where he would see this same thing so I certainly was not going to put it on a silver platter and allow him to watch it in the comfort of our own living room. I would say this was probably about 8 or 9 years ago. We turned off the tv and started really discussing this and seeking God about this area of our life. We felt very strong conviction about this and heard God say be careful what you allow in the living room of your heart because this is where I live. You have been purchased with a price. You belong to me. Your body is no longer your own but you are to be a living sacrifice for me and for us, that also meant our entertainment had to change. We started looking at everything so differently and really seeking God on this and this is what we heard him say to us....If a tv program, movie or music glorifies a sin it's not for you. This was really tough for me because I loved my "lifetime" movies, my sitcoms, movies, etc but we knew we needed to listen to the spirit so we started cleaning our entertainment closet so to speak. For us, that meant if it was something we didn't allow in our home, we no longer view it in the form of entertainment so that also means language. We don't use foul language, we don't allow Jocelyn to use foul language so even if the show has just foul language, we heard God say it's not for us. We believe language is something God wants to change in a person he calls his own so we couldn't ignore that in our entertainment choices either. Basically we heard God say to us, "Is what you are watching beneficial to you in any way?" So, we made the choice to follow God on this issue. Our rules were no shows that glorify anything that breaks our Father's heart. We made big changes in this area but I was still holding onto 1 program I knew God wanted out of my life. To some, this may seem really silly but God was convicting me on this and I was refusing to listen to him. I kept saying, I have given everything thing else up...just let me keep this one thing. It was my soap opera, "The Young and the Restless." I watched or listened to it faithfully. Working from home made it so easy to just take my lunch break for that hour and sit in front of the tv and really get into the messes that Hollywood created in the lives of these fictional characters. Some of you would probably say just that...it's not real, they are just fictional characters playing a part but what does that show glorify? Really, there is no other way to answer but to say it glorifies sin. It's full of premarital sex, it's full of men and women cheating on their spouses, it's full of deceit, full of immorality, bascially full of filth not fit for a daughter of the King. This is the one thing I had not given up. You know, you think you're doing good....you get kind of proud of what you've given up and the difference it's made in your life, etc all the while ignoring that one thing you still need to throw out but aren't willing to do. Pride comes before a fall, I've learned that and that's a painful lesson to learn. Well, that was me until early 2009. This is when I finally obeyed and gave it up for good. What I have learned is that God replaced everything he asked us to give up with his goodness...things that are so much better. Instead of watching the junk, we spend more time in his word and I can't tell you the difference it makes when you fill your heart and mind with his word instead of what the world has to offer. This may sound silly to you, but I felt like a burden was gone after I finally obeyed what God was telling me to do. I truly don't think it's coincindence that for the first time my heart function increased to 35%, which is considered safe from the risk of sudden cardiac death and it came after obedience on an issue God was dealing with me on. After that, God started working on other areas in my life he wanted to see change. I've been selfish for many years. God has broken my heart for others and opened my eyes up to needs of others. I truly have felt a calling on my life in this area. I ask him daily to show me needs that he can meet thru me. I am learning to move when he says move. I know I shared this story before but my heart was broken one day when I cleaned out my own closet and had at least 10 bags of clothes that I no longer wear. Mostly because I lost weight but God said to me, "why do you have all this stuff when there are people wearing tattered clothes and those that can't afford a new pair of shoes, etc?" "Why is your pantry full but you're not sharing with anyone that is hungry?" "Why do you ignore the needs of others when I have so richly blessed you?" These truths hurt, they did but I realized I was a selfish, spoiled brat that truly thought the world revolved around her and that God just wanted to make me happy and give me a comfortable life. That statement couldn't be further fromt the truth and if that is what you believe about your own life, you're listening to the same lie I listened to. This isn't the abundant life God is talking about. It's not how much you can get out of this life. It's not about all your stuff. God asked me where my treasures were and I couldn't say at that time they were in heaven. I was getting far too comfortable with the world. I never did anything to help another person before God changed my heart. I never made sacrifices, true sacrifices. I've learned if you don't feel it, if you're not truly giving up something and feeling it, it's not a true sacrifice. It's easy to give when it doesn't cost you anything. God has given me a heart for others that I don't think I would have had if not for this 10 year journey I've been on with my heart. I actually feel like I'm living now because I am no longer a consumer...I'm a doer. God truly has broken my heart in many ways to bring about healing.....I don't think it would have ever come if I had kept saying no to things I knew he was telling me I needed to be doing. I hope that point is what I got across when I gave my testimony at church. Obedience is what God wants from his children. He really doesn't have to listen to children that are disobedient and unwilling to change and to do his will. Nothing that has happened in my life came because I'm anything special.....I can do nothing without him guiding me but for him to do that, I have to listen and obey and move when he says move. For years I wanted healing for me, just to live longer and be with my family never giving much thought to others and doing anything to help when I knew about needs that God had blessed me with the ability to meet. I liked my comfort, really I loved my comfort. I was selfish....plain and simple. I can still be at times. He's still working on me but I'm moving when he says move and I'm doing what he says to do. I still mess up and don't get it right. I'm not perfect but really the spiritual healing that has taken place is more amazing to me than the physical healing that has taken place. I'm not who I was just 5 or 6 years ago. Not even 2 years ago. Things break my heart now that I never gave a 2nd thought to before. So many things I just can't do anymore because I know they are not beneficial to me in anyway. I've been a Christian since I was 12 but I look back and see what little I really accomplished for Christ because of the selfishness I had in me. My life was about me...I thought I had grown so much during the initial stages of my diagnosis but I look back now and see how much further I needed to go and how much deeper I needed to go with God. I'm not who I was, that's for sure and I still have growing and changing to do but I can say this journey has been amazing and so worth it. all the pain and all the tears that came before the healing brought me closer to God and I wouldn't change that for the world. If I had stayed a healthy person and never had this disease, I would still be that selfish, spoiled rotten brat that thought the world revolved around her. I was a pretty ugly person and I see all that now. Heart disease saved my life and changed my heart in more than just a physical way.
I know this is very long but I would ask, can you honestly say you love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind? Are you filling any of those areas with the pollution of the world? I was...and for me that was sin. Are there things that need to change in your life that you're holding onto like I was? Do you really love your neighbors as yourself? I didn't, and that was sin. So, the real miracle here is the change that God made in my spiritual heart. I am completely different and that's a miracle. Jesus says, if you love me you will obey what I command. I picked a word for this year and it was obedience. I prayed about that and that's the word God gave me. funny, huh? Not really. God knows what he's doing and he absolutely knew what needed to change in my life. He knows all about you too. Ask him to help you in the areas he wants you to give completely to him.
This last part is taken from an aritlce I read about obedience to God. It doesn't give the name of the person who wrote it but it touched me so maybe it will touch you also. I didn't write this part though!
Jesus is very concerned about us and he wants us to do more than participate in good works. He wants us to believe in him. He wants to take us higher than the world and he wants us to be like him. When we are obedient to God, we are doing just that. Knowing him, loving him and having a personal, intimate relationship with him. To do this, we must be attentive to God's laws. This is not an option because you can't have an intimate relationship with Jesus and trample on the words he taught. Obedience to God is living God's word because you want to and enjoy being filled with the love of Jesus. Following the commandments step wise won't do. Reading the Bible diligently won't do. We have to take the words into our hearts. When we make the transition from calling ourselves a good Christian to being someone who is having a deep personal and intimate relationship with the Lord, then we can have the highest of joys, the deepest of peace, and receive the fullest measure of God's love and power each and every day of our lives.
ok...this is back to me now. It's funny when I think of this. God gave me healing and made my physical heart smaller but before that could happen he had to "enlarge" my spiritual heart for him. So, I guess I can still say I have an enlarged heart but it's so much better now! I'll leave you with this verse now. Psalm 119:32 I wil run in the way of your commandments when you enlarge my heart.
I am so humbled by what God has done for me and I love him now more than ever but not because he gave me healing in a physical sense. Because he changed me, really changed me and I'm so glad he did. It was a true matter of the heart.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
The miracle continues!
ok, just a quick update. Yesterday I went for a MUGA scan because it's exact on heart function. Dr. Hunter called me yesterday with news that my heart function (EF) is now at 48%!!!!! That is just 2% below normal heart function. The nurse told me today it's about as perfect as perfect gets! The echo a few weeks ago was wrong.....I do not have 25%, I have 48% heart function. The echo results were low due to the fact my pulse rate is now lower while resting. This sometimes happens to athletes too due to lower pulse rates. Dr. Hunter wasn 't convinced I was at 25% so she order the MUGA to make sure. God has truly touched my heart physically and spirtually.....he has reshaped it, made it stronger and it beats for him! My heart is now normal size too. This comes almost 10 years after I was diagnosed and had only 1/16th of my heart working. After almost being worked up twice for the transplant list. No transplant....medicines didnt' work like they should have, device therapy didn't work like they should have....but GOD did a miracle!I am humbled and so very grateful for what God has done for me. This is something I've been told doesn't happen after this long with cardiomyopathy and CHF. Nothing is impossible with God! Never, never, never give up and never stop praying. My miracle didn't happen over night. It came with a lot of tears and a lot of pain.....but I never gave up. I knew God could do this and I believed he would and he did...he is still the God that performs miracles today.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Ok, it's been a very long time since I have posted on my blog. Life's been happening! so, in 2009 my heart function improved to 35% and the size of my heart decreased dramatically. This was something we had been praying for years about and it's something doctors say never happens after the number of years I had been living with this disease. Yesterday I had a very emotional day. A day of highs and a day of lows...riding the roller coaster once again and I hate roller coasters! Yesterday afternoon when I took my Dad home after he dropped off my daughter Jocelyn from school, he started talking to me and just telling me that he was proud of me. He listed reasons that I won't go into because they are between me and God (and my family). It's such an awesome feeling to have your earthly father tell you he's proud of you but for him to say that he believes God would be pleased with me, well that's what I live for. I hope God is pleased with me....I hope I do him proud. That's my life's goal is to do the will of my heavenly father and to one day hear him say, "well done, my good and faithful servant." That's why I live. So, I was on cloud nine to have my father tell me how proud he is of me and then I came home to find a message that my doctors office had just called to give me the results of my latest echo. So, I called them back and the nurse read my results. These results were not what I was expecting at all and I will not lie here, I felt like I had been kicked in the gut and the wind completely knocked out of me. The nurse told me this latest echo shows my heart function to only be 23%. This is a 12% reduction in function after I had been given such great news just a little over a 1 1/2 years earlier. Yes, I was extremely disappointed in those results and yes, I shed some tears and I'm sure I'm not done with tears. I went about finishing up working for the day and made dinner for my family. I went about the business I needed to get done and tried my best not to focus on myself. Here's an amazing part of this story....Saturday, I had taken my Mom to a bookstore that is closing it's doors because she had a gift card and she wanted to make sure she used it before the store did close. I had picked up a couple books, "Made to Crave" and "The Hiding Place" but God kept saying to me, you need to find a devotional book to use on a daily basis to go along with my Bible reading. So, the selection was very poor or at least that is what I thought! There was one devotional book there so I picked it up, flipped thru it and thought, ok I'll get this one. So after Mom had made her selections, we proceeded to go to the back of the line and wait for over 45 minutes in line to pay for our selections. Many times while in that line, I thought about setting the devotional book back on a shelf somewhere because frankly I thought it was a bit pricey and they were only offering a 20% discount at this point. God kept telling me if I was going to put a book down, it needed to be one of my other choices and not the devotional. I didn't want to put one of the other books down...selfish, I know. I felt like God was telling me to buy this devotional book so I listened to that voice and did. So, yesterday when I got this news I was heartbroken and really struggling to try and wrap my head around how this could be with everything I am able to do. After dinner, I sat down with my Bible and read my devotional for that day. This is what it said: Anti-Worship. Think about what anxiety says about God. When we harbor anxious thoughts, we are saying that the one who has promised to take care of our future might not do a good job of it. It says the one who promised to walk us thru the waters and not to allow the fire to burn us might abandon us to the waters and the fire. And it says that his presence in the valley of the shadow of death might not be enough to calm us. We don't realize it but our emotions often tell the provider that we don't think we'll have enough provision, tell our Savior that we're afraid of not being saved, tell our Comforter that we're uncomfortable, and tell our Deliverer that we're sure we'll remain captive. Our hearts actually slander him when we don't trust his protection, his strength, and his love. We don't mean to; we're just anxious. Our anxiety can be awfully offensive.
In Deed: Imagine a son lying awake at night wondering if his parents are going to feed him tomorrow. Imagine a daughter wondering if she will have something to clother herself in. That might happen in some homes, but what does that say of the parents? Nothing Complimentary. But we who worship God cannot praise him with such insecurities. Our fears are a form of anti-worship-a clear declaration that our God might not have promised us enough, or might not be able to follow through on what he has promised. Yes, he will let us go through hard things, but never outside of his timing or beyond his protection. So worship him and don't worry about it.
Now, I don't think that is merely a coincidence that this devotional was in that book with the same date on it as the date I got my test results, do you? That is why I was supposed to buy that devotional. That is why I found myself in a book store with my Mom last Saturday. I'll even go as far to say that is why my Mom got this gift card from a friend. Devine appointment and it leaves me in awe. So last night, I didn't worry....I worshipped. I've worshipped today while working out and I'm going to keep on worshipping. God will use HIS strength to accomplish what he wants to accomplish thru me. Maybe I need to be at 23% so I can really know that what I do is only because of his strength and the Holy Spirit working thru me. It's not me doing anything.....So, while at the Y this morning, I worshipped and it was beautiful. I'll spend my day worshipping. Yes, I'll probably cry some more but I won't waller in self pity. I've got work to do for my King. I live so others will know his name. That is my purpose. I live so others can enjoy eternal life. I was getting ready to turn my mp3 player off this morning and God said, sit down and listen to the word of this song before you leave so I did. I'm really learning to listen to him. Here are the words:
Lincoln Brewster
For Your endless love (For Your endless love)
For the life You gave (For the life You gave)
For the second chance (For the second chance)
For Your priceless grace (For Your priceless grace)
For Your healing hands (For Your healing hands)
For the gift of peace (For the gift of peace)
For the blessed hope (For the blessed hope)
For the faith to believe (For the faith to believe)
For these reasons I praise You
For these reasons I worship You
(1st ending)
For these reasons I live to tell
of Your love to all the world
(2nd ending)
For these reasons I live to tell
of Your love to all the world
For these reasons, Lord Jesus, I praise you. For your endless love. For the life you gave. For the second chance. For your priceless grace. For your healing hands. For the gift of peace. For the blessed hope. For the faith to believe.
You are my love and my life. I want the world to know of your love. I want to change this dying world. Work thru me. Use me as you see fit. I am ready and I am willing. You are so worth it......I love you more than life itself and I will go where you want me to go and I will do what you want me to do. I will give my all for you because you have given me hope and peace and life that never ends. Help me share this with the world. This is the most important decison people will ever make and I want to help those without hope find you. This is where yesterday brought me and I praise you for that. Use what you have to use to get my attention.
So, todays devotional think about his majesty. Let yourself be in awe of him today. Think about the imagination and power that went into a sunset, a mountain range, our human physiology, the wisdom of scripture, or the plan of the Kingdom of God. Stand amazed in his presence. worship begins with an understanding of our inability to understand. It silences our complaints and captures our hearts. It believes God is astoundingly precious. Worship where you are today. Stand in awe of your creator and know that we were made to worship him.
In Deed: Imagine a son lying awake at night wondering if his parents are going to feed him tomorrow. Imagine a daughter wondering if she will have something to clother herself in. That might happen in some homes, but what does that say of the parents? Nothing Complimentary. But we who worship God cannot praise him with such insecurities. Our fears are a form of anti-worship-a clear declaration that our God might not have promised us enough, or might not be able to follow through on what he has promised. Yes, he will let us go through hard things, but never outside of his timing or beyond his protection. So worship him and don't worry about it.
Now, I don't think that is merely a coincidence that this devotional was in that book with the same date on it as the date I got my test results, do you? That is why I was supposed to buy that devotional. That is why I found myself in a book store with my Mom last Saturday. I'll even go as far to say that is why my Mom got this gift card from a friend. Devine appointment and it leaves me in awe. So last night, I didn't worry....I worshipped. I've worshipped today while working out and I'm going to keep on worshipping. God will use HIS strength to accomplish what he wants to accomplish thru me. Maybe I need to be at 23% so I can really know that what I do is only because of his strength and the Holy Spirit working thru me. It's not me doing anything.....So, while at the Y this morning, I worshipped and it was beautiful. I'll spend my day worshipping. Yes, I'll probably cry some more but I won't waller in self pity. I've got work to do for my King. I live so others will know his name. That is my purpose. I live so others can enjoy eternal life. I was getting ready to turn my mp3 player off this morning and God said, sit down and listen to the word of this song before you leave so I did. I'm really learning to listen to him. Here are the words:
Lincoln Brewster
For Your endless love (For Your endless love)
For the life You gave (For the life You gave)
For the second chance (For the second chance)
For Your priceless grace (For Your priceless grace)
For Your healing hands (For Your healing hands)
For the gift of peace (For the gift of peace)
For the blessed hope (For the blessed hope)
For the faith to believe (For the faith to believe)
For these reasons I praise You
For these reasons I worship You
(1st ending)
For these reasons I live to tell
of Your love to all the world
(2nd ending)
For these reasons I live to tell
of Your love to all the world
For these reasons, Lord Jesus, I praise you. For your endless love. For the life you gave. For the second chance. For your priceless grace. For your healing hands. For the gift of peace. For the blessed hope. For the faith to believe.
You are my love and my life. I want the world to know of your love. I want to change this dying world. Work thru me. Use me as you see fit. I am ready and I am willing. You are so worth it......I love you more than life itself and I will go where you want me to go and I will do what you want me to do. I will give my all for you because you have given me hope and peace and life that never ends. Help me share this with the world. This is the most important decison people will ever make and I want to help those without hope find you. This is where yesterday brought me and I praise you for that. Use what you have to use to get my attention.
So, todays devotional think about his majesty. Let yourself be in awe of him today. Think about the imagination and power that went into a sunset, a mountain range, our human physiology, the wisdom of scripture, or the plan of the Kingdom of God. Stand amazed in his presence. worship begins with an understanding of our inability to understand. It silences our complaints and captures our hearts. It believes God is astoundingly precious. Worship where you are today. Stand in awe of your creator and know that we were made to worship him.
Monday, September 13, 2010
Fall is in the Air!
I know after a very hot summer most people are enjoying the fall temps. I know I am one of them! Anyone with a heart condition enjoys these temps. It's very hard to get out and do anything in the heat or the extreme cold when you have cardiomyopathy and history of heart failure. Make sure you pay attention to what your body is telling you in that type of weather. Fall has always been my favorite season but it's even more so now because it's when I can get outside and exercise and enjoy the beauty God has given us in nature. So, with fall in the air I thought I would post a recipe that goes right along with the season. Hope you enjoy.
Apple Cider Cupcakes (use icing recipe to follow or just dust with powdered sugar)
3 cups apple cider
1/4 cup unsalted butter
1 3/4 cups sugar
2 eggs
2 cup all purpose flour
1/8 teaspoon ground cloves
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1 teaspoon sodium-free baking soda
In a large saucepan, boil the cider until it is reduced to about 1 1/2 cups and let it cool. In a large bowl, beat together the butter and the sugar with an electric mixer until the mixture is fluffy. Beat in the eggs. Into the bowl sift together the flour, the cloves, the cinnamon and the baking soda; stir in the reduced cider and combine the mixture well. Divide the batter among 18 paper lined muffin tins and bake in the middle of a preheated 375 degree oven for 25 minutes, or until a tester come out clean.
Each cupcake will contain 12 mg sodium
Now for the icing.
1/4 cup unsalted butter, softened
2 cups confectioners sugar
3 tablespoons apple cider
Beat together butter, sugar and cider until smooth. Add more cider if necessary to make frosting of spreading consistency. adding the frosting to cupcakes will add 1 mg sodium.
Recipe found in 500 Low Sodium Recipes by Dick Logue, page 467-468
Enjoy!
Apple Cider Cupcakes (use icing recipe to follow or just dust with powdered sugar)
3 cups apple cider
1/4 cup unsalted butter
1 3/4 cups sugar
2 eggs
2 cup all purpose flour
1/8 teaspoon ground cloves
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1 teaspoon sodium-free baking soda
In a large saucepan, boil the cider until it is reduced to about 1 1/2 cups and let it cool. In a large bowl, beat together the butter and the sugar with an electric mixer until the mixture is fluffy. Beat in the eggs. Into the bowl sift together the flour, the cloves, the cinnamon and the baking soda; stir in the reduced cider and combine the mixture well. Divide the batter among 18 paper lined muffin tins and bake in the middle of a preheated 375 degree oven for 25 minutes, or until a tester come out clean.
Each cupcake will contain 12 mg sodium
Now for the icing.
1/4 cup unsalted butter, softened
2 cups confectioners sugar
3 tablespoons apple cider
Beat together butter, sugar and cider until smooth. Add more cider if necessary to make frosting of spreading consistency. adding the frosting to cupcakes will add 1 mg sodium.
Recipe found in 500 Low Sodium Recipes by Dick Logue, page 467-468
Enjoy!
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Our God is HEALER, awesome in power, Our God!
Wow, it's been a long time since I've updated my blog! I'm still doing extremely well. Exercising every single day for 70 minutes at a very hard pace. I am amazed after every workout just how much I am able to do. I've come from 5% EF all those years ago to 35% when doctors said it was impossible after this much time. The reason for this post today is to ask anyone reading that believes in the power of prayer and the healing power of God to agree with me for 50-55% EF on my next echo which should be this November. I know it is possible with God and I'm believing it!
This week, I'm going to miss my daughter as she travels to Florida for International Youth Convention with her youth group. She flew for the first time in her life this morning! Praying God fills her with his spirit and she comes back changed forever and on fire for God. She already has such a servants heart!
I know God has more in store for me too and I'm ready to do what he his asking. I have heard him speaking to me a lot over the last couple weeks. He didn't heal my heart for my own comfort.....time to get out of the comfort zone a bit more! Ready to be a giant for God!
This week, I'm going to miss my daughter as she travels to Florida for International Youth Convention with her youth group. She flew for the first time in her life this morning! Praying God fills her with his spirit and she comes back changed forever and on fire for God. She already has such a servants heart!
I know God has more in store for me too and I'm ready to do what he his asking. I have heard him speaking to me a lot over the last couple weeks. He didn't heal my heart for my own comfort.....time to get out of the comfort zone a bit more! Ready to be a giant for God!
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