Sweetest Days!

Some of my sweetest days were that first year after my initial diagnosis. I had my ups and downs along the way, but you really learn to appreciate each day you are given after a diagnosis like mine. I remember 7 years ago when I went for my first check after I was released from the hospital. My cardiologist at that time was excellent and had the expertise I needed but really lacked in bedside manner. On that visit, he said to Steve and I, she has about 4 1/2 to 5 years to live. He was very blunt and very cold. Now, I for one like to have my doctor at least look me in the eyes when he delivers bad news! When I left that office that day, I never felt hopeless and I never thought I only had 4 1/2 to 5 years to live. Steve and I just looked at each other and said, "what was that?" I never let it bother me or worry me because I never believed it! I am NOT a statistic and I refuse to let statistics rule my life. If you are reading this and you have a terminal disease.....you are not a statistic either! Doctors do not know everything and I knew that I was in God's hands. I will leave this world when God says it's time and not a minute sooner! I was thankful for a doctor that was top notch in his field but I was not going to let his prognosis get me down. There is no cure for my disease, unless God decides to heal my body completely, I will live with this the rest of my life. I will have to follow a strict sodium restricted diet and exercise and remain on cardiac medications in order to "manange" my disease. Right after coming out of the hospital, I started this and I was serious about my disease management. You have to be if you want to live. I had lots of prayer too and I believe in that power. I absolutely believe that is why I am still here today. So, during those first few months I slowly regained my strength by making myself get up and do things every single day. I couldn't walk far at first, but I made myself walk a bit further each day. Within a couple of months, I was back to walking 3 miles at a time and really feeling very good again. Just 2 months after getting out of the hospital, Steve and I were back to hiking! Each day was and is a celebration of what God has done for me. I did have my struggles and oddly enough, one of them was 9/11. That happened just 3 months after my diagnosis and although I was not directly involved in that, I struggled. When I sat and watched those buildings just crumble to the ground like they were made of paper, I was deeply saddened for all those involved. When I saw the tears shed by my fellow Americans and felt the heat of my own tears, I struggled. I have an Uncle that is an airline pilot and I was worried that he may have been on one of those flights or maybe another that day. It was a day I will never forget, just like the day of my diagnosis. It was filled with all the same emotions I went thru but mostly survivors guilt. I know that sounds weird but as I watched my fellow citizens go thru such a tragedy, I began to wonder why God allowed me to live and allowed so many people to die on 9/11. My daughter still had her mother and so many children lost one or both parents on that day. I will never undstand that and from time to time, I still wrestle with that. I wrestle with the same thing whenever I hear of a very young person that has died. I will never understand why people have to go thru what they do but I have learned to be grateful for each day God gives me. I knew this already, but 9/11 reinforced in me that none of us are promised another day. Life is certainly a gift and we all need to live every day to it's fullest. Don't sweat the small stuff! Hopefully, everyone got that from 9/11. It's hard to understand why things like this happen. I had to mourn for us as a country and come to terms with my own survivors guilt..........I came to realize, evil made that happen and that God was with those people that were directly involved, just like he was with me in my hospital bed on June 21, 2001.

That following year, I celebrated my 40th birthday. Most people dread turning 40. 40 was the sweetest birthday for me. There was a day when I didn't know if I would make 40 and I can think back to others that didn't make it to 40, so to me it was a celebration of life and each birthday since has been a celebration of life. Every holiday that year was sweeter and my daughters birthday that following March was one of the happiest. I remember being so thankful that God allowed me another year with her. She was so young when I was diagnosed and so many children have lost a parent at early ages. I knew I had so much to be thankful for. The feeling inside of me on my daughters birthday is hard to explain. It's a feeling of so much joy you feel like at any moment you could burst! I hope I'm not boring anyone with these details but I wanted to write about that first year after my diagnosis because I just want others to know to not take a day for granted. Life is a gift, be thankful for each day you have and LOVE your family. One of the very sweetest days was June 21,2002. This was one year from my initial diagnosis and one of the happiest days of my life. It was such a celebration of life. It was a milestone for me and also the day I married the love of my life. Steve did stick around! we were married on June 21st, 2002. We wrote our own vows and there wasn't a dry eye in the place that day, including our own! I remember in my prayer I asked God for many years with Steve and my daughter. In his vows, he told me that if he could, he'd give me his heart. I know he meant that and I know that if he could, he would. What he didn't know was, he gave me his heart when I saw how he cared for my daughter when I was so weak, I couldn't. He did so much for me when I came home from the hospital. HIs momma raised a good son and I wrote her a letter thanking her for doing such a good job with him! One of the songs I chose to have played right after my vows to Steve is a song called "God knew that I needed you." I look back on the events that took place 7 months before my diagnosis. God knew I would need a man like Steve and that's why I met him on November 21, 2000. I can see how God set everything in motion and worked those things out in my life. Some of you reading this can relate, and some of you can not but I know now that God was just in time. My God has been right on time, never early, never late so many times in my life since that time. It's awesome to look back on your life and be able to say, yep.....that's why that happened and to see how God WAS and IS working things out in advance for those that love him.

Ok, I know this may have bored some of you today but I just wanted to some how get across that life is a gift. Never take it for granted. Cherish it and live each day to the fullest. You never know when your 9/11 will come.

Just one little side note skipping to the present day. My doctor has been trying now for about 9 months to get my heart function to improve. He increased my drug Coreg, which is supposed to help. This drug has given me so many problems in the past with making my blood pressure drop so I wasn't sure I'd be able to take the increased dosage. However, this time it did not affect me in that way and I was able to tolerate the increased dosage. Now, that being said my b/p runs about 90/60 at all times but I don't have any symptoms of low blood pressure. So, last week I had an echo done to check for improvement and I got the results yesterday. I was somewhat bummed at the news but I'm not going to allow it to get me down because I know I'm in God's hands and he is still in control. The results showed no improvement. My heart function is at about 20%. So, now he is increasing my Coreg once again. So, hopefully it will not drop my b/p any lower and it will work this time! He'll check for improvement in about 6 months and if there is none this time, he wants me to seriously think about having a procedure that is still experimental. It's where they put a mesh net around your heart to help decrease the size of the heart and improve it's function. Now, I'm not jumping up and down with glee thinking about this! I did tell him to leave that option on the table but to put it last on the list! So, if you are a praying person and you want to pray for improvement in my heart function, I would deeply appreciate it! They would like to see at least 30% or even higher.

Ok...I'll be back tomorrow to talk about some of the procedures I have had done and getting to the present! I'll also be talking about the low sodium diet and posting some recipes that I have found to be pretty tasty, even without the salt. If this helps just one person going thru the same thing, I'll be happy!